Letter To My Step Child’s Mother

Why so bitter_

To My Step Child’s Mum,

It’s been years and I don’t get it. It’s been years and I don’t understand you, not even a little bit.

When I got with my partner you were both separated. Had been for years, no longer communicating except in reference to your Son. It was not a quick desicion getting together with your child’s Father because I knew, my feelings had to be true. This relationship wasn’t just the two of us, there would be three people involved. Months past before I met your Son because I would never involve him without knowing things were serious, and they were. A relationship with a child involved was new territory for me, I had never been with someone who had the responsibility of being a parent but I didn’t mind, I knew this relationship was a package deal and after meeting your child, I was taken.

Not sure if you know this but I came from a broken home. Being raised by parents who don’t always get along, having step parents. This was normal to me but I also knew the struggles. I had been in the situation your Son was in so I knew how hard it could be and I decided straight away I’ll always try my hardest to make this as easy and happy and comfortable as possible for him. There was no way I’d let your child feel unwanted or a burden, I would embrace him and develop a warm, trusting ‘friendship’.

When your Son’s Father worked away for weeks / months, I still collected your Son and looked after him every single weekend.

When your Son couldn’t ride a bike, I got him one. When he was scared to ride it, I got on, let him hop on the back and we cycled together to help build his confidence.

When he huffs and puffs and he’s feeling grumpy, I tickle his sides til he giggles.

When we go on holiday I make sure he wears sun screen. I look after him like I would my own.

When your child couldn’t swim, I taught him.

When he has a school project we buy lots of craft supply’s. He is always so proud to take his work to school when we are done.

I tidy his room, do his laundry, make his food and I pick him up and drop him home every weekend.

His bedroom, decorated by me, colours etc chosen by him.

Every year he stays over from the beginning of the summer holidays, right through until he’s back at school. I never complain.

Every year we have him from Christmas Eve, right through Christmas, well in to the new year. I never complain.

When he needs school uniform I take him, new shoes/trainers, I take him. If he needs a new jacket I get that too.

When he’s a little fuzzy on top I take him to the barbers and he chooses his favourite design.

When my family have gatherings he’s always there because like me, they treat him like their own so he is never left out.

I take him for food, swimming, cinema and the park when the suns out.

I make sure he eats his veg, brushes his teeth and washes his face.

When he is ill I look after him.

He wanted to name his new baby Sister, so I let him chose her middle name.

In the beginning, my partner told me you were nasty and twisted and he told me you were a compulsive liar. You are his ex, so I assumed he was over reacting and gave you the benefit of the doubt. Time and time again, I gave you the chance to prove him wrong.

Mother’s Day I would help your son make things for you. Cards, clay sculptures, cakes. Christmas I would buy you gifts from your Son. All against my partners wishes because unlike me, he knew the real you.

It’s been years and I still don’t understand you. Not even a little. I don’t agree with how you raise your Son but he is your child, not mine. I don’t try to take your place, he loves you. You are his Mother. I am his step Mum, he doesn’t even have to like me let alone love me. So I try and I try and I try to make sure we have a nice bond. You don’t have to try so hard. He will always love you.

So, this is what I don’t understand.

Why do you hate me so much? Why are you so bitter? Why do you tell your Son that I would rather he was not in his Fathers life? Why do you tell him he doesn’t have to do what he is told when he is with me? Why do you tell him I’m a horrible person? Why do you lie about me to anyone who will listen? Why do you repeatedly say, he’s nothing to do with me?

What is wrong with you?

Would you rather I didn’t take care of him? Would you rather I made him feel awkward or uncomfortable in his own home? Would you rather I didn’t spend time with him? Did’nt care about his well being? Would you rather I made him feel unwanted, unloved? A burden even?

I know so many Mums who have experienced their child upset because of the above. I know so many Mums who have seen their child placed second to their Fathers new girlfriend who more often than not, has no interest in their child.

That’s not me. He will always be treated like part of my family whether you like it or not. I’m not his Mother, I don’t pretend to be. He calls me by my first name and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He cares for me a lot and you do not have the right to continuously manipulate his mind to try and turn him against me.

You do not have the right to bring me down. You do not have the right to tell lies about me. You do not have the right to tarnish my character because you are lonely or bitter or jealous.

There are so many Step Parents out there who try really hard for their Step Child. Who step up and take responsibility. Why do people like you still bring us down? Being a Step parent is not easy. Always being stuck in the middle. Loving a child, caring for them but standing in the side lines as important life desicion are made. That’s not to mention the added drama from people like you.  It’s hard but we do it.

You should be thanking me. You should appreciate that your Son is safe and well looked after in my care. You should be grateful. You should stop trying to make your child think like you. You should grow up. Step up, be a Mother and put your Son first.

I’ve had enough of sitting back and allowing you to drag me down. You are nasty and negative and bitter and that is not good for your child.

So, To My Step Childs Mother,

You are lucky to have me.


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  1. This is beautifully written! I am going through similar situations with my son’s father bad mouthing my new husband. It is so sad because the ones who get stuck in the middle are often the children….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your letter really tells what alot of us step moms go through! Our stories are almost identical! I wish alot of bio moms would appreciate the woman that chose to step up and help to raise their child when they could have chose to walk away! My step son’s mother is hardly involved as we have primary custody, but she chooses not to take him for extra time that is allotted to her and then pons him off on her mother during her weekends so she can go out with friends!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is not my exact situation but a lot of what you’ve said was right on the money. I applaud you fellow step mother. Thank you for voicing this. Not many mothers or step mothers know how hard it is especially from the other side

    Liked by 1 person

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